baq to skool
[reading this over, it’s a bit of a downer this week - you might want to skip past this one - see you next time]
it’s interesting the weight of our past we still carry around. for as long as i can remember, the scars of having to go back to school at the end of summer have itched at this time of year, even though it hasn’t been a feature of my life for many years.
as the seasons turn and the weather gets darker, and wetter, so, annually, my mood sinks ever so slightly and my anxiety levels prickle upwards a touch. i’m sure it can all be traced back to septembers past where the freedom of summer ended and i had to once again don a uniform and disappear into the mass of people whose lives seemed so different to mine and disinteresting to me. with their obsessions with fashion and popularity and money and god knows what else. working in banks or the city and either playing rugby or watching the boys play rugby at the weekend - that seemed to be the dream for them - boke. i felt like an alien. like a lost child being raised by the wrong tribe, who spoke a different language and worshipped different gods.
i have a theory that unhappiness is the distance between who you are and who you want to be, and in those days, even though i was still figuring out who i was, i had little or no chance of comfortably being myself while so constrained by school so i was desperately unhappy.
so yeah, i didn’t enjoy it and i was delighted to get out and as far away from it as i could when the chance came, but every september, i feel a bit sad for all those having to face the year ahead knowing they don’t fit in and can’t be themselves and mourn for my old self.
at least recently, i’ve learned that at times like this, i need to be extra kind to myself and treat myself well. it’s taken me a long time to get from there to here.
and that’s the happy ending, ‘cos i am here now. and it’s good. and getting better every day. i’m loving the freedom and creative tools i now have at my disposal and the autonomy to do what i want, when i want. and i’m never letting that go.